DEAR MAN: A DBT Skill for Asking for What You Need and Saying No

A few years back, a new friend invited me to the restaurant where she worked so we could hang out after her shift. When I arrived, she was nowhere to be found — and when I texted her, she explained she’d gone home because it was too hot. I was really frustrated and wished she’d told me about the change of plans before I left my house.

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Cue my response: “Okay, I understand,” signed with a heart for good measure. If only I’d known of the DEAR MAN DBT skill!

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The DEAR MAN technique comes from DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module, which teaches strategies for asking for what you need, setting boundaries, maintaining relationships, and protecting your self-respect. It exists because sharing our true feelings and opinions can be hard. Many of us — especially those who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent — have been afraid to speak up, advocate for ourselves, or ask for change. Setting boundaries, including saying “no,” can also be challenging.

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This isn’t a personal failing, and it doesn’t mean we’re bad at communicating. It does mean that, at least in certain situations, we might benefit from structure. “DEAR MAN helps because it provides a predictable framework for navigating difficult conversations,” says  Jacqueline Shinall, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Prosper Health. 

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In this article, we'll discuss how to use DEAR MAN skills to ask for what you need and say "no,"  deal with common challenges, and adapt the skill if you’re autistic or have ADHD. We’ll also explore how to practice ahead of time using a DEAR MAN worksheet.

Many neurodivergent folks find unstructured communication exhausting, and understandably so. They often communicate differently from neurotypicals and feel the need to mask their true selves to fit in.

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A lifetime of being called “too direct” or “too passive” might leave some questioning how to assert themselves — or even if they should do so at all. Sensitivity to rejection and fear of conflict can also make some neurodivergent individuals afraid to say “no” or advocate for their own needs.

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Additionally, many neurodivergent people have needs that others may not share or understand. Marissa, a 33-year-old autistic person, notes that she often doesn’t have the energy for situations that are too noisy, unfamiliar, or have too many people involved. “It can be easy for some to assume I don’t want to spend time with them, when what they are inviting me to do is actually just too demanding on my ability,” Marissa says.

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What’s more, “many autistic people describe conversations as requiring an enormous amount of real-time processing,” says Dr. Shinall.  For some, “conversations can move faster than they can comfortably process, making it difficult to respond in the moment.”

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All of the above are situations in which DEAR MAN can be useful. DEAR MAN skills are part of DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module (in other words, it’s a group of skills for communicating relationship needs).

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The framework works with social differences — it's not a script to communicate the way neurotypical individuals “naturally” do. Instead, it’s a technique that can benefit folks who desire structure. 

DEAR MAN offers guidance on what to say (“DEAR”) and how to say it (“MAN”) when you want to advocate for yourself.

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“DEAR” involves describing the situation, expressing yourself, asserting your wishes or boundaries, and reinforcing your point:

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• Describe: Clearly describe the situation using only observable facts, not emotions. Avoid assumptions, judgments or interpreting someone’s intentions.
• Express: Share your thoughts or feelings using “I” statements.
• Assert: Clearly say “no” or ask for what you need.
• Reinforce: Explain why your request or boundary matters or how it benefits others.

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“MAN” suggests staying mindful, appearing confident, and negotiating if needed:

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• (Stay) mindful: Stick to your goal. Avoid distractions or getting pulled into emotional reactions.
• Appear confident: Communicate your request as clearly and directly as you can. You don’t need to force eye contact, stop stimming, hide anxiety, or change your natural body language. 
• Negotiate: Be open to compromise when appropriate, as long as your core needs are respected.

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The goal is to communicate respectfully but assertively, boosting your chances of getting what you want. The same structure applies whether you’re asking for something or saying “no” to someone.

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Studies suggest that DBT may be helpful for some autistic adults, particularly those experiencing significant emotion dysregulation.

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“Instead of having to figure out what to say while also interpreting the other person's reactions in real time, the person has a roadmap to guide the conversation,” says Dr. Shinall. “Many autistic people find that having a framework also reduces the tendency to over-explain, lose track of the main point, or avoid the conversation altogether because it feels overwhelming.”

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Marissa notes that DEAR MAN helps her communicate her limitations so she can make better plans with others. It also makes her feel like she’s “allowed” to talk about her feelings and that she’s giving people a fair chance to resolve an issue without attacking them.

Now, let’s explore how to put the technique into practice with a few DEAR MAN examples in different contexts — in the workplace, a healthcare environment, and a personal relationship. 

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Take the example of seeking accommodations for a quiet workspace. Here’s how you might follow DEAR MAN:

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• Describe: “The open office is very loud and makes it hard for me to concentrate.”
• Express: “I feel overwhelmed and distracted.”
• Assert: “I’d like to use noise-canceling headphones or access a quieter area.”
• Reinforce: “With fewer distractions, I’ll be more productive.”
• Mindful: Stay focused even if unrelated topics come up.
• Appear Confident: Speak in a steady tone.‍
• Negotiate: “If a private office space isn’t available, I’m open to other noise-reducing options.”

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Meanwhile, here’s how you might ask a healthcare provider for permission to record an appointment:

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• Describe: “We’re discussing a lot, and it can be hard to keep track of it all.”
• Express: “I’m scared that I might miss something important.”
• Assert: “I’d like to record the session so I can listen back.”
• Reinforce: “This will make sure I don’t forget anything or keep asking the same questions later.”
• Mindful: Stay on topic and ignore any distractions.
• Appear confident: Try to use a confident tone.
• Negotiate: “If I can’t record the session, how else can we ensure I don’t miss any information?”

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Now, imagine a friend wants you to help them move tomorrow, but you already have plans. Here’s how you might decline:

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• Describe: “I saw your text asking for help moving tomorrow.”
• Express: "I wish I could be available, but I already have plans." 
• Assert: “So I’m not available to help you move.”
• Reinforce: “Thanks for understanding. I hope all goes well.”
• Mindful: Repeat your boundary if your friend pushes you to change your mind.
• Appear confident: Stay firm. Don’t use flexible language like “I might not be able to help.”
• Negotiate: If you’re willing and able to do so, you might offer an alternative, such as, “I can help you get settled next weekend.” However, this isn’t a requirement.

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As useful as DEAR MAN might be for neurodivergent folks, it can also be challenging, especially at first. Here’s why:

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Stalling before the actual ask

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Some autistic people may find themselves describing the situation or their feelings but stopping short of making the actual request, particularly if previous attempts at self-advocacy have been misunderstood or responded to negatively. 

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“As humans, we have evolved to try to fit in with peer groups,” says Lianna Purjes, therapist at Fuzzy Socks Therapy. “We can acknowledge that natural drive and make a conscious decision to act differently if we believe that will benefit us.”

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Setting boundaries isn’t rude — it’s necessary for your well-being. Using DEAR MAN in lower-stakes situations first can help build confidence and make it easier to use for more difficult conversations. Plan for difficult conversations by using the "assert" line word-for-word using the worksheet we provide later. 

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Processing conversations in real-time

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Many autistic individuals need extra time to process information, so it can be hard to use the DEAR MAN framework on the spot. One way to help address this issue is to tell people you need additional time to process and reflect on the conversation.

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Then, prepare your response in advance. Write out your main talking points ahead of time. Practice in a low-pressure setting, either alone or with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.

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You can also jot down some notes and have a phone call. Or you could consider using written communication like email or text if that’s more comfortable for you. Keep in mind that this may not be helpful in situations where your words may be misconstrued, or if you’re likely to reread the messages and ruminate.

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Emotional regulation

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High-pressure conversations can be overwhelming, making it difficult to use DEAR MAN effectively. If this is the case for you, consider what helps you regulate enough to communicate effectively. This may include grounding, deep breathing exercises, or sensory regulation techniques, like stimming. Practicing DEAR MAN regularly and rehearsing conversations beforehand can also help you feel prepared and, in turn, less anxious.

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Social nuances and nonverbal cues

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Neurotypical social expectations can make assertive communication challenging, especially if others misinterpret autistic communication differences as too direct or passive. You may benefit from tools that help you script and adjust your tone. For example, Goblin Tools offers features like the “judge” tool, which gives feedback on how people might interpret your words, and the “formalizer,” which helps you adjust your tone to better match your intended message.

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Mindfulness

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Staying mindful can be uniquely difficult for people with ADHD or AuDHD (both autism and ADHD). In this situation, Purjes has clients write down every statement they'd like to make and group each of them into one of three categories—"definitely relevant," "possibly relevant," or "not relevant."  You can write the core ask and relevant information on a card beforehand. 

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“Slowing the process down and using visuals can often help clients see things more clearly,” Purjes notes. 

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Appearing confident

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Purjes observes that many of her autistic clients struggle with appearing confident, especially if they’re not comfortable with eye contact. She emphasizes that appearing confident doesn't mean forcing eye contact, and often asks her clients to think of a movie or TV character that seems confident.

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“We talk about what characteristics make that character seem confident and why,” Purjes says. “We then roleplay a real life situation while embodying the confident aspects of the fictional character.”

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Negotiation

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At its core, DEAR MAN is a strategy for reaching your own goals, so it’s easy to get stuck when it comes time to negotiate. That’s why Purjes suggests using "low hanging fruit" — in other words, something easy that you know the person will appreciate.

Mastering DEAR MAN takes time, patience, and practice, but it’s worth the effort. For autistic adults, the key is adapting the skill to align with your unique communication style and processing needs. Whether you're new to assertive communication or have been navigating advocacy for a long time, there are ways to make DEAR MAN feel approachable and sustainable.

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• Start with writing: Emails or texts are a great way to learn the DEAR MAN steps in low-stakes situations before using them during in-person conversations.
• Use templates: Pre-written scripts can help reduce anxiety and improve clarity.
• Focus on one step at a time: Practice “Describe” and “Express” before moving to the full framework.
• Practice in safe settings or low-stake contexts: Try DEAR MAN in therapy or with trusted friends, then start using it in low-stakes contexts. Regular practice — even in everyday moments like asking for a quieter table at a restaurant — can make DEAR MAN feel more natural and empowering over time.
• Use visual aids: Keep a cue card or notes on your phone to stay grounded during tough conversations.
• Reflect and review: After a conversation, ask yourself:
  
  • Did I clearly describe the situation?
  • Did I express my feelings effectively?
  • Was I assertive while being respectful?
  • What went well, and what could I try next time?

The DEAR MAN worksheet below can help you prepare:

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Most importantly, be patient with yourself. DEAR MAN doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective. Each time you advocate for yourself, express a need, or set a boundary, you build valuable skills and emotional resilience. If a conversation doesn’t go as planned, that’s all part of the learning process.

If you don’t feel entirely comfortable using DEAR MAN, you’re not alone. DBT skills don’t come naturally to many of us. That’s why there are so many groups specifically dedicated to teaching and learning these skills. If you have access to one of these groups, and feel comfortable joining, they might be a great asset.

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Alternatively, you could find a neurodiversity-affirming therapist trained in DBT who can help you roleplay DEAR MAN skills in session. Therapists at Prosper Health, for example, help neurodivergent individuals in all different areas of life, including social interaction and emotional regulation. Our clinicians can help you communicate effectively and master DBT skills.

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In the meantime, you can always use the worksheet above to plan and practice your DEAR MAN DBT skill. You don’t need a treatment plan to do so.

Whether you're navigating a workplace issue, advocating for your health, or whatever else, DEAR MAN can help you communicate your needs clearly and intentionally. You learn not only what to say, but how to say it. With practice and personalization, this skill can become a trusted part of your communication toolkit. 

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Are you autistic and want to learn more about DEAR MAN and how to apply it? Prosper Health offers neurodiversity-affirming therapy.

What’s an example of a DEAR MAN situation? 

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You can use DEAR MAN skills in situations that involve asking for what you want or setting boundaries. Examples of the former include asking your roommate to clean up after themselves or asking a friend to give you a ride. You can also use DEAR MAN to say “no,” for example, setting professional boundaries or declining a wedding invitation.

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What if the other person reacts badly or gets defensive?

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If someone reacts badly when you use DEAR MAN, stay firm and keep returning to your main goal. You can briefly acknowledge the other person’s response without debating every side issue. 

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Purjes recommends pausing for a deep breath and then acknowledging the person's thoughts or feelings. For example, you might say, “I know that what I said may have come across as being critical of you, and I want you to know that that wasn't my intention.” Then, you can reiterate your point, such as by saying, "I just want to communicate that it bothers me to see dirty dishes in the sink."

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Keep in mind that you don’t have to remain in a conversation involving insults, intimidation, or threats. If the conversation becomes abusive or unsafe, you may pause or end it and seek support.  

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Can I use DEAR MAN over text or email instead of saying it out loud?

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Yes, you can write out a message that includes DEAR MAN DBT skills over text or email. It might help to get someone else’s input before sending.