Mastering DBT Skill DEAR MAN: A Guide for Autistic Adults

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a structured, skills-based therapeutic approach originally developed to support individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Over time, it’s been adapted to help people manage anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation and more. 

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DBT focuses on four key skill areas: emotional regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness and mindfulness. These tools offer practical strategies to manage emotions, reduce stress and foster healthier relationships.

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For autistic adults, DBT is especially helpful for managing sensory overload, intense emotions, difficulty with self-advocacy and challenges in social communication. One of DBT’s strengths is its use of practical step-by-step tools that break complex experiences into manageable parts.

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This article focuses on one of DBT’s core skills: DEAR MAN––a technique that supports assertive communication and self-advocacy. DEAR MAN can help autistic adults express their needs clearly, reduce anxiety in difficult conversations and build healthier personal and professional relationships.

Communication can be stressful, especially when it involves setting boundaries, asking for support or navigating unclear social dynamics. DEAR MAN offers a repeatable, concrete framework to support effective self-expression without relying on neurotypical communication norms.

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What DEAR MAN stands for

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• Describe: State the situation using observable facts only.
• Express: Share your feelings using “I” statements.
• Assert: Clearly ask for what you need.
• Reinforce: Explain why your request matters or how it benefits others.
• (Stay) Mindful: Keep focused on your goal without getting sidetracked.
• Appear confident: Speak in a calm, steady way—even if you’re nervous.
• Negotiate: Be open to compromise when appropriate.

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At its core, DEAR MAN is about balancing self-advocacy with connection. It can help you:

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• Speak up without feeling like you’re being too demanding
• Avoid people-pleasing that leaves you burned out
• Reduce the anxiety that often comes with difficult conversations. 

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Plus, for autistic adults who may experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), sensory overload or challenges with real-time processing, this approach offers a way to plan, practice and communicate more effectively.

Let’s break down how to use DEAR MAN in real-life situations. Each step provides a guide to navigating communication that might otherwise feel overwhelming or confusing.

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D – Describe

Clearly describe the situation using only observable facts, not emotions. Avoid assumptions, judgments or interpreting someone’s intentions.

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Example: “Yesterday, I sent you an email asking for a deadline extension, but I haven’t received a response.”

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E – Express

Name how the situation makes you feel, using “I” statements.

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Example: “I feel anxious when I don’t get a response because I’m unsure what to do next.”

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A – Assert

Say what you need clearly and respectfully.

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Example: “I need to know by tomorrow if the deadline can be extended so I can plan accordingly.”

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R – Reinforce

Explain how your request helps others or the situation.

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Example: “If I know the deadline soon, I can submit higher-quality work and avoid last-minute stress.”

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M – (Stay) Mindful

Stick to your goal. Avoid distractions or getting pulled into emotional reactions.

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Example: “I understand things are busy, but I still need an answer by tomorrow.”

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A – Appear Confident

Use calm body language and a steady voice. Confidence can help others take your request seriously.

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Example: “I’m asking because it’s important for my work process.”

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N – Negotiate (If Needed)

Be flexible when appropriate, as long as your core needs are respected.

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Example: “If an extension isn’t possible, could we talk about prioritizing the tasks so I can meet the deadline?”

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Practical uses of DEAR MAN for autistic adults

For many autistic adults, communicating needs in environments that rely on vague, indirect or unspoken social expectations can feel overwhelming. DEAR MAN offers a structured, predictable way to self-advocate without relying on neurotypical communication norms. This can be especially useful in settings like work, healthcare or close relationships where misunderstandings and emotional overwhelm are common.

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Real-life scenarios where DEAR MAN can help include:

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• In personal relationships: Setting boundaries like “I need to take some time alone after social events to recharge” or requesting clear communication to reduce anxiety.
• In the workplace: Asking for flexible deadlines, adjustments to communication styles (like written follow-ups instead of verbal requests) or support during meetings.
• In healthcare settings: Advocating for specific accommodations like needing more time to process information or bringing written notes to an appointment.

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Let’s look at the example of requesting a quieter workspace.

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• Describe: “The open office is very loud and makes it hard for me to concentrate.”
• Express: “I feel overwhelmed and distracted.”
• Assert: “I’d like to use noise-canceling headphones or access a quieter area.”
• Reinforce: “With fewer distractions, I’ll be more productive.”
• Mindful: Stay focused even if unrelated topics come up.
• Appear Confident: Speak in a steady tone.‍
• Negotiate: “If a private office space isn’t available, I’m open to other noise-reducing options.”

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For many autistic adults, communication can be overwhelming—especially when social rules are unclear, emotions are high, or there’s a need to self-advocate. The DEAR MAN technique offers a structured, predictable framework that makes difficult conversations more manageable. It breaks down communication into clear, actionable steps, which can reduce anxiety and increase confidence.

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For autistic individuals, social interactions can sometimes feel overwhelming or confusing, especially when unspoken social rules, indirect language or emotional intensity come into play. DEAR MAN provides a structured, predictable framework for navigating conversations effectively. Breaking communication into clear actionable steps helps reduce anxiety, increase confidence and make social interactions more manageable.

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Practicing DEAR MAN can help an autistic person:

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• Be more assertive without feeling rude or aggressive
• Express needs and boundaries clearly
• Reduce misunderstandings by focusing on facts and direct communication
• Navigate difficult conversations with less emotional distress

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DEAR MAN also encourages self-awareness and emotional clarity, helping autistic adults:

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• Recognize their emotions before responding to a situation
• Express feelings in a way that is understood and respected by others
• Practice self-regulation by staying mindful and focused during difficult conversations
• Strengthen relationships by fostering clearer, more effective communication

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Many autistic people who practice DEAR MAN report feeling more in control of conversations, less overwhelmed in social situations and more confident in advocating for themselves. With regular use, it can reduce stress, improve self-expression and strengthen relationships.

While DEAR MAN is a valuable and powerful tool for assertiveness, autistic adults may encounter unique challenges when learning and applying this skill. Difficulties with verbal processing, social anxiety, sensory overload or executive functioning can sometimes make structured communication strategies feel overwhelming. However, with practice and adaptation, DEAR MAN can become an effective and accessible tool for self-advocacy and relationship-building.

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Here are some common challenges and tips for navigating them.

Processing conversations in real-time

Many autistic individuals need extra time to process information, making it difficult to respond immediately using the DEAR MAN framework. 

One way to help address this issue is to prepare to advance. Write out your main talking points ahead of time. Practice in a low-pressure setting, alone or with a trusted friend, family member or therapist. Consider using written communication if that’s more comfortable, like sending an email instead of having a meeting. You might also tell people you need additional time to process and reflect on this conversation.

Emotional regulation

High-pressure conversations can trigger emotional overwhelm, making it harder to stay calm and use DEAR MAN effectively.

If this is the case for you, consider what calming techniques you can employ to stay regulated. These include grounding exercises, deep breathing and sensory regulation techniques, like stimming. Practicing DEAR MAN regularly and rehearsing conversations beforehand can also help you stay regulated and emotionally balanced.

Social nuances and nonverbal cues

Neurotypical social expectations can make assertive communication difficult, especially when others misinterpret autistic communication styles as too direct or passive. 

Writing out what you want to say and practicing can be an effective method to handle this issue. Tools supporting scripting and tone adjustment can also make communication more manageable. For example, Goblin Tools—available as a website and app—offers features like the “judge” tool, which gives feedback on how your message might be interpreted, and the “formalizer,” which helps you adjust your tone to better match your intended message.

Fear of rejection or conflict

Many autistic individuals experience rejection sensitive dysphoria or anxiety around conflict, which can make it hard to assert needs without fear of negative reactions.

Try to focus on self-advocacy and getting your needs met rather than people-pleasing. Remember that setting boundaries is not rude—it’s necessary for your well-being. Using DEAR MAN in lower-stakes situations first can help build confidence and make it easier to use for more difficult conversations.

Mastering DEAR MAN takes time, patience and practice—but it’s worth the effort. For autistic adults, the key is adapting the skill to align with your unique communication style and processing needs. Whether you're new to assertive communication or have been navigating advocacy for a long time, there are ways to make DEAR MAN feel approachable and sustainable.

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• Start with writing: Emails or texts are a great way to learn the DEAR MAN steps before using them in conversation.
  Use templates: Pre-written scripts help reduce anxiety and improve clarity.
• Focus on one step at a time: Practice “Describe” and “Express” before moving to the full framework.
• Practice in safe settings: Try DEAR MAN with trusted friends or a therapist.
  Use visual aids: Keep a cue card or notes on your phone to stay grounded during tough conversations.
  Reflect and review: After a conversation, ask yourself:
  
  • Did I clearly describe the situation?
  • Did I express my feelings effectively?
  • Was I assertive while being respectful?
  • What went well, and what could I try next time?

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Regular practice—even in everyday moments like asking for a quieter table at a restaurant—can make DEAR MAN feel more natural and empowering over time.

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Most importantly, be patient with yourself. DEAR MAN doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective. Each time you advocate for yourself, express a need or set a boundary, you build valuable skills and emotional resilience. If a conversation doesn’t go as planned, that’s okay—it’s all part of the learning process.

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Whether you're navigating a workplace issue, advocating for your physical or mental health or having a personal conversation, DEAR MAN gives you a framework that puts you in control. With practice and personalization, this skill can become a trusted part of your communication toolkit.

If you’re an autistic adult looking to improve communication, set boundaries or advocate for yourself more effectively, Prosper Health is here to support you. 

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Our licensed therapists specialize in neurodivergent-affirming therapy, helping autistic people develop skills like DEAR MAN to navigate relationships, reduce anxiety and enhance emotional well-being. Plus, 80% of clinicians identify as neurodivergent themselves or have a close connection with neurodivergence, so you can be sure they’ll empathize with your struggles.

With our expert guidance, you can gain confidence in your communication skills, reduce social stress and strengthen your relationships so you can thrive in life. Start your journey today—fill out the form below or give us a call to schedule your first session!