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The Fear of Being Perceived in Autistic Adults
Let’s say you’re about to go to lunch with a colleague, but you just need to make a few last tweaks on a task.
Your colleague is happy to wait for you and remains quiet while you finish up, but it doesn’t matter. You still feel like you’re being watched. Suddenly, your anxiety skyrockets, and completing your work task now feels impossible with your coworker standing idly by.
Many call this the fear of being perceived — and it’s become a viral shorthand for a much broader feeling — but for autistic and ADHD adults, there’s usually something more concrete that’s happening behind the scenes.
Autistic content creator Morgan Foley even made a video illustrating the fear of being perceived, in which she not only demonstrates how this feeling can present in several scenarios (work, socializing, chores, etc.), but also the thoughts going through her head in that moment.
After reading this article, you will be able to recognize this type of fear as a specific, explainable pattern connected to neurodivergence, understand why it hits differently depending on your neurotype, and identify at least one concrete step toward feeling safer while still being yourself.
Most importantly, this article will help you to answer the question, “Why do I hate being perceived?”
Black and White Thinking: What It Is and Why It Happens
“If I can’t do this project perfectly, I shouldn’t have this job, should I?”
“OMG, my friend canceled our coffee meetup. I knew she never really liked me.”
“My partner forgot I wanted to see The Odyssey this weekend. I think our relationship is in trouble.”
If any of these internal monologues sound familiar, it’s not because someone gained access to your innermost emotions: It’s because these thought patterns are more common than you may think, and they’re known as black-and-white thinking.
Before we delve into these patterns more deeply, know this: It’s okay if you’re unsure whether your black-and-white thinking is a problem, a trait, or both, even if you’ve been told that you tend to “overreact” or that you “can’t see nuance.” Examining this kind of dichotomous thinking doesn’t mean it’s a flaw to be fixed or even a symptom of a specific disorder.
These patterns are just one part of who you are, and you deserve to understand what exactly black-and-white thinking is, what’s driving these patterns, and if you should pursue support.
Signs of Autism in Adult Men (And When to Get Assessed)
To the average Heated Rivalry viewer, hockey phenom Shane Hollander has everything: He’s a millionaire, the best player in the league, and — spoiler alert! — by the end of the first season of the hit TV series, he’s in a committed relationship with the love of his life, Ilya Rozanov.
While it’s not explicitly stated on the show (or in the books the series is based on), the Shane character is also canonically autistic. Because guess what? You can be a successful man and be autistic.
If you look at the character a little more closely, maybe you can relate to Shane’s social awkwardness. Or his laser-focused approach to hockey. Or his propensity for detailed, decade-long plans. Or his steady food and beverage preferences (macrobiotic diet! ginger ale!).
Maybe this recognition is happening a little later in life, too.
Thom*, who lives in Chicago, was formally diagnosed with autism at age 47. Although he received an ADHD diagnosis about a decade beforehand, further exploration led him to identify with videos from popular autistic content creators like Kojo Sarfo and Morgan Foley. This content helped him “recognize a lifetime of masking” as well as notice autistic traits like social-communication differences and a preference for the same foods.
Whether it’s recognizing yourself in certain forms of media, a child’s recent diagnosis, a partner who raised the possibility that you might be autistic, a relationship breakdown — or something else — you’re here for a legitimate reason: To understand yourself better.
After reading this article, you will be able to recognize signs of autism in adult men, understand why it so often goes unrecognized, and possibly explore next steps.
