Autism Relationship Resources: Building Understanding and Connection for the Relationships

We often make assumptions about others’ internal states based on their external behaviors. For example, if it seems like you’re shivering, one might guess that you’re cold. The assumption might be correct much of the time, but these assumptions are not always accurate. It’s also possible that you could be shivering but not cold, or cold but not shivering.

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Likewise, if you’re autistic, you may find your behaviors misunderstood because you communicate differently from what some people expect. People might misperceive your feelings and intentions. This is common for autistic people, and that’s part of why there are harmful misconceptions about autism and empathy — specifically, that autistic people have none.

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The question “Do people with autism have empathy?” prevails in blog posts and articles. The reality is that autistic people do have empathy, and in fact, many have heightened empathy. This is true even if its expression presents differently, says Anna Kroncke, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Prosper Health.

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The autism lack of empathy myth causes a lot of confusion, especially for neurodivergent people who aren’t diagnosed in childhood. You may hear for years that you’re “cold” or “insensitive,” even when you have the best of intentions, and have no idea why. Or, the fact you have empathy may lead you to doubt the possibility you’re autistic to begin with. 

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In this article, we'll discuss what research shows about autism spectrum disorder, empathy, how to recognize it in your own life, and how having empathy doesn't rule out the possibility of being autistic.

Many autistic people experience relationship challenges—whether they’re romantic or platonic—in environments shaped around non-autistic social norms. Some unwritten rules and behaviors don’t necessarily come naturally to neurodivergent people. 
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Christal Castagnozzi, a clinical and school psychologist who received a late autism diagnosis, says that while she had friends growing up, there was an “underlying sense of being misunderstood.” She feels she “struggled to access deeper, more meaningful connections,” and ultimately believed she didn’t belong, even when her friends included her in their social activities. 
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Even in romantic relationships, Castagnozzi says she had difficulty “interpreting cues, flirting, [her partner’s] intentions, and emotional subtext.”
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If any of these experiences sound familiar, you are not alone. But more importantly, the challenges of autism and relationships are not a personal failing. They are often due to differences in communication style, sensory processing, social expectations, and mutual misunderstanding between autistic and non-autistic people. Castagnozzi says what made a difference for her was forming relationships with neurodivergent individuals who provided “less pressure to mask and more space for directness and authenticity.”
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In this article, we’ll examine how autism shapes all kinds of relationships, the roots of certain challenges, and practical strategies for effectively navigating relationships. 

Most of us were taught that it is best to use “person-first language” when referring to disabilities. Person-first language intentionally separates a person from the disability, as in saying “person with diabetes” rather than “diabetic person.” This intends to emphasize the individual over their disability, showing that the disability does not define the person. However, not everyone views their disability as something that can, or should, be separated from them. 

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This is why identity-first language—as in saying “autistic person” rather than “person with autism”—is important to the autistic community. Many autistic people prefer identity-first language because it acknowledges that being autistic is a core part of who they are.